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When You Are The Villain

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When You Are The Villain In Someone's Story

If you have found this article, you have probably found yourself the villain in someone else’s story. You are the bad guy and it really doesn’t feel good.

Unless you have done something egregious (like violate someone’s rights), whatever you have done has probably been done before. One of the most common ways that a person ends up a villain is when they lay down a solid boundary with someone else.

This means you have said “no” to something, ended a relationship, or rejected someone in some way. How do you cope with this situation?

Start By Reflecting

If you are the villain in someone else’s story, first you need to decide if you did harm to the other person. If so, is the harm repairable? If you think it might be, you can try some communication techniques to begin the conversation.

If you have reflected, and decide that you have not done harm, then consider how important this relationship is to you. Do you feel like this person is someone you would like to work with. If so, and this person is safe, don’t be afraid to start the conversation. It is just a small discomfort for you to face someone and figure out how to clear up the problems.

But what if you are done? What if this is not a repairable situation and you are no longer interested in working things out with this person?  

Since you have reflected, you will know that this is the best choice for you.

Let Time Do It's Work

If you are done with this relationship, and they are out there telling others about how you have done them wrong, slow down. The best thing you can do is to not discuss this situation with many people. You are done and you do not need to talk about it or defend yourself. The less you say the better.

If you have to discuss it with someone, seek out a therapist or counselor who can help you process your emotions. If you have people you know you can trust to keep your point of view to themselves, then it is okay to confide in them. Just really keep your conversation about this person to a minimum so they cannot collect evidence or ammunition against you. Anytime that you talk and it gets back to them, they will weaponize your words further and do what they can to paint themselves as the victim.

What you need to do is be patient and allow the other person to just be who they are. If you know that this person has been toxic, then they will continue to be toxic with others. You do not need to prove this, just allow time to pass and they will prove who they are.

Take Care of Yourself

You might not ever be proven “right” to let this person out of your life (usually, though, they show who they are). Also, you might never get closure that proves you were not “the bad guy.” What you CAN do, though, is take care of yourself.

Remember, you are not going to gossip about this person, you are going to let time do its work. Also, if you are someone’s bad guy, you’ve been through something serious, possibly even traumatic. This means that you need to really work on processing what is going on and moving on with your life. You need to heal and decide what your life looks like. 

You Can Handle Being the Villain

When I became the “villain” in someone else’s story, I was devastated that someone in the world might not actually like me. In fact, someone in the world HATED me! It was like my whole identity was called into question. 

But here’s the thing; if you are pleasing everyone, then your identity is already lost and your boundaries are not clear with others. It is natural that you will be disliked by others and even a key player in their lives as a “bad guy.” 

What others think about you really is none of your business. All you need to to is understand yourself the best you can, know your values, and stay true to yourself and it will all work out. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Healing Your Inner Child

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Healing Your Inner Child is Not an Insult to Your Parents.

Healing your inner child was a strange topic to me when I first started my self love journey. I had felt that my inner child was healed from any problems of the past…I was resilient. 

Then I went to therapy for some problems that were manifesting in my adulthood.

I am not too public about my childhood, not out of fear or secrecy, but because it is a personal journey. Many of my close, loving relationships have gone through some sort of healing phase, with some that are unrepairable at this point.  I also do not know if publicly rehashing the past will really heal me or do harm, overall.

What I will reveal, though, is that one of my parents (the one I already knew would be) was pretty reactive when I began to publicly talk about healing and re-parenting my inner child. I also found out that my healing was NOT a betrayal of my parents or a blaming. My hope in writing this, is that it will help you fast forward your inner child healing instead of allowing any parent to hold you back. Here are some things you should understand about healing your inner child, so you can do it without any guilt.

Your Childhood is Yours, No One Else's

Your experience was your own. the way you saw things was between you and your higher power. As you look back on your life, you perceived things that no one else had any awareness of. As a child, you might have not realized that other people were not having the same experience as you.

Revisiting those experiences is not something that anyone has a say over expect you. Even with trauma, someone might have an experience and not be phased by it, while you might have been traumatized. It is the way YOU internalized the situation that matters and that might need some healing. 

You have every right to honor, work through, and understand your experience so you can integrate it into your adult life. You can have conversations with others and understand their perspectives, but it is not up to them to tell you how you should have experienced YOUR past.

If Someone is Taking Your Healing Journey Personally, They are Toxic.

It’s understandable that your parents might get somewhat defensive as you start to work with some inner-child injuries. But if they continue to tell you that you are acting like a victim, or say that you are “blaming” them, then they are being toxic.

The healthiest response that your previous caretakers could give you is to support you working through this time of your life. They can join you in therapy, or have repair conversations. Probably, they did try their best at the time when you were younger, but it takes nothing away from them to make amends or work side-by-side with you to heal. 

Someone who loves you without animosity and anger will want what’s best for you. You do have to own you own journey and not expect them to give something they can’t, but conversations and bonding is a natural step in healing. 

If they are making your journey about THEM and their needs and feelings, this might be why you are in a deep need of inner-child healing to begin with.

Everyone Can Grow

When I started to heal my inner child, the parent who took it personally was eventually not invited on my path with me. But my other parents (yeah, it was a lot of parents) all grew WITH me. They all had their own healing to do. 

My inner-child healing was a catalyst for others to heal, as well. This is healthy and loving growth. You and your family members all still have plenty of growing to do as long as they are alive on this earth. I even witnessed a massive transformation in one of my grandparents in his last years as he became gentler and more loving.

Don't Stop

Overall, just don’t stop this journey out of guilt or shame from someone else. There are plenty of spaces waiting for those people to commiserate and gaslight their loved ones out of fear of the what you might say about them.

Let them live in their own pain and fear. Send them loving energy and release them to their own lives. Hope for their own healing out of love.

Then keep going and do not stop healing. Do not stop discovering the beautiful layers of yourself that need you right now. You deserve to be free and loved.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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5 Ways to Protect Your Energy During the Holidays

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5 Ways to Protect Your Energy During the Holidays

The holidays can be draining. There are a ton of errands to run, food to cook, and people to please. Many factors go into draining our energy during the holidays. Here are some ways that you can help protect your energy and fill your cup during the holiday craziness.

Check Those Boundaries

When you get drained, it can be because you are doing too much for others. It is natural to be giving and kind during the holidays, but it is also okay to have some limits. 

If you have overcommitted yourself, make sure to start saying “no” to some things and even cancelling. Let people know that you just do not have the time, or say something like, “I don’t think that will work for me/us/my family this time, we have a lot on our plate. 

If you are having trouble coming up with ways to say “no” check out this article.

In the past, I have had friends push back on me with this. I even have some new friends who try to convince me to do something I do not have the energy to do. When this happens, I remember that it is okay for people to feel disappointed and that my real friends will get over me cancelling. My best friends will understand that I need to recharge to be my best for them when we can meet up.

Self Care

Do not forget to take care of yourself. The holidays are a time of happiness and gathering, but it can also be a time of germ-spreading and burn out. If you can, schedule a massage, take some time to write in your journal and reflect on the year, take a long bath, or sleep in a few days. If you are not able to get some time to yourself, see the boundaries portion of this article above.

But, in all seriousness, you need to know what you can do to recharge. If you do not know how to do that, take some time to brainstorm starting with this free download. 

Prioritize Who You Spend Time With

During the holiday time, there will be a lot of people possibly trying to spend time with you. Many of us go to be with family that we do not usually see.

Of course, there are some family obligations that you should attend to. Your Aunt Jasmine might not be your favorite person to see, but you know it brings her happiness to see you. We sometimes cannot help but commit to certain family functions.

To keep yourself from losing too much energy, look for a balance between people who fill your cup and the draining social gatherings that will leave you depleted. Schedule some time to see that Aunt Jasmine, but keep it short with a promise that you will not wait only to see her on the holidays. 

If you keep it to a simple format of 80/20, 80% of your time is with people you know will bring you joy and 20% is with those you are obligated to, you can protect and build your energy. I even do 30/50/20 with that 30% going to time alone. I need that time to recharge and process.

Pay Attention to Your Emotions

While you are running at a fast-paced speed during the holidays, it is important to check in with your emotions. Sometimes, you will lose a level of self-awareness when life gets hectic.

If you are feeling stress or drained of energy, take some time to slow down and label your emotions. After a quick check-in, you might figure out that you are feeling emotions that you need to deal with before moving on to the next party or get-together. 

Focus on Gratitude

Whenever there are times of stress and overwhelm surrounding family and the many interactions that those times bring, remember that gratitude can also help you center. There are many people out there who do not have family and friends to be with. If you are feeling like it is all too much, that’s understandable. Take space, look at your boundaries, but also remember to be grateful.

Gratitude is proven to increase happiness and what better way to fill your cup?

Have a great holiday!

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Label Your Emotions

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Labeling Your Emotions to Self-Regulate

When a strong emotion comes up for you, a technique you can use to support your emotional well-being is to label your emotions. 

Lisa Feldman Barrett, author of “How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain,” describes how powerful labeling our emotions can be for regulating our entire body.

The more words you have for one emotion can support you in gaining access to your prefrontal cortex and help you make rational decisions that are best for you.  She calls a large vocabulary for emotional word, emotional granularity. She states, “You’ve probably never thought about learning words as a path to greater emotional health, but it follows directly from the neuroscience of construction. Words seed your concepts, concepts drive your predictions, predictions regulate your body budget, and your body budget determines how your feel.”

How it Works

Inside your brain, you have an inner-part that is your primitive brain. It is responsible for all your instinctual reactions.

Considering this, emotions are an instinctual reaction to a situation. Many times an out of control emotion can be related to some type of threat. 

On the other hand, the outer layer of your brain is the part that is responsible for the wisest parts of you. This is where you are able to problem solve and work through situations.

During a trigger, like anger, your wise brain goes offline and it can be very hard to think rationally. You go into a primitive reaction like fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. 

Labeling the emotion that you are having works by connecting your primitive brain to your logical, or wise brain. Check out this video for more.

For Example

Let’s use the example of sad.

Now I’m talking super sad, something has made you suddenly so sad that you feel you might cry on the spot.

Now start labeling this emotion differently. A quick Google search can help you label your emotion so you can better understand what is happening in your mind, soul, and body and help you slow down and process the emotion words like bitter, heartbroken, mournful, disappointed, betrayed, and more. 

The more words you can find to label your feelings can help you work through them.

To Try It, You Must be Aware

The hardest part of this process is being aware of the emotion in the first place, and having the mindfulness to slow down and go through these steps. 

Usually, I suggest you start recognizing your emotions by taking some space from the situation and writing it down. The act of writing can also help your mind calm down as well. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

Does an anger management program sound like the next step for you? Purchase our program here.

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The Neuroscience of Self Love

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The Neuroscience of Self Love

When learning to love yourself it can be helpful to understand what is happening in your brain while you are changing it from an insecure and self-harming brain, to a brain that floods you with self love. 

Your brain is the organic part of your physical body that is wiring up based on your mind and your emotions.

Not many people like to geek out with me on something like this, but my whole philosophy behind my self love educational programming is based on the neuroscience of self love. So what is really happening to your brain when you move towards self love and how can you make it happen faster?

How Your Brain Copes

We tend to use unhealthy distractions to help us cope, so it is important for us to recognize these and begin to move them into healthy or joyful distractions.

Zaretta Hammond, the author of Culturally Responsive Teaching and the Brain points out that there are things that you may use to cope if you were born in poverty, or traumatized by the conditions of modern society. That some of the survival skills that helped people grow up in poverty or under stress, are actually coping mechanisms that helped you get through tough times.

Really think about how you cope with a stressful situation. Do you talk to others? Do you talk trash? Do you retreat and go it alone? Do you lose trust in people and get angry?

Maybe you take a bath, journal, sing, anything that gets you through the stress.

Start to understand your brain by writing the ways you cope that you are aware of.

Noticing Your Automatic Thoughts

When you hit stressful moments or are being hard on yourself, negative thoughts come up that are automatic. These are also called thinking traps or cognitive distortions. Click here for some examples of these traps.

How to do you battle these? You can first distract yourself and then move into coping thoughts.

Your goal is to get your brain online so you can access your self love skills. 

Here are some coping thoughts you can practice and use when your brain feels overwhelmed. Pick some and practice them with the smaller non-stressful moments in life.

I sometimes keep a small notebook with me in order to write them a few times in moments when I feel dysregulated. Journaling helps with a self love practice.

If you practice all of these habits, while your mind is calm, it is A LOT easier to use these tools when your mind is not.

Label Your Emotions

An advanced skill that you can use either after coping thoughts, or right from the beginning, is to label your emotions as they come up.

Lisa Feldman Barrett, author of How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, describes how powerful labeling our emotions can be for regulating our entire body.

The more words you have for one emotion can support you in gaining access to your prefrontal cortex and help you make rational decisions that are best for you. Dr. Feldman Barrett calls a large vocabulary for emotional word, emotional granularity.

She states, “You’ve probably never thought about learning words as a path to greater emotional health, but it follows directly from the neuroscience of construction. Words seed your concepts, concepts drive your predictions, predictions regulate your body budget, and your body budget determines how your feel.”

Mindfulness

Again, your brain is the organic part of your body that wires up your automatic an unconscious processing. It is the YOU part of your brain that makes up your “mind.” This can be confusing, but it is why mindfulness can help support the neuroscience of self love in your life.

Mindfulness separates the organic brain, that can be changed with time, and the deep part of you that might be considered a soul. When you are practicing mindfulness you become an observer of your mind and can begin to direct the changes you want for yourself.

All learning happens this way. You make a decision to learn something new, you set your mind to it and you start to actually create neurons through repetition and practice.

Mindfulness is the same. You decide to learn to love yourself, you begin to be conscious of your thinking when it comes to how you view yourself, then you build new neural networks in your mind while you practice self love.

Overall, it is a complicate process. You can become an expert with me on this, or your can just use the programming and content I put out trusting that I am helping you re-wire your brain.

You can also take on your re-wiring in other ways with this next article. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

Does an anger management program sound like the next step for you? Purchase our program here.

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Improve Relationships Over the Holidays

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5 Ways to Improve Relationships Over the Holidays

Holidays can be divisive, and if you celebrate winter holidays that many people in the US celebrate, this can be a tough time on our egos, confidence, and relationships.

Just last week, a friend of mine told me that her teenaged son decided to bring up a political and military conflict in another country while everyone was having a Thanksgiving meal (the US holiday). He brought it up with a grandparent that had very clear difference of opinion. 

It is this scenario that does the opposite to improve relationships over the holidays, but there are ways you can forge better connections with others during the holidays while families are near.

Accept Others As They Are

This blog, in particular, is all about self love, confidence, and happiness. When you look at others, it is best for you if you assume positive and see them as people who are also looking for happiness. They just might not be doing it the same way you do.

When you are with others, understand that they have a right to be in all the spaces you are in. Nothing will calm another person down as quickly as letting them know: “Hey, we might not think or see things the same, but I respect your right to be who you are.”

Imagine if others said that to you, wouldn’t it feel so accepting? I do this by recognizing the inner child in everyone looking for approval and love. It helps me answer challenges that other put to me in a way that honors the humanity in others.

Approach Situations With Curiosity

Sometimes, the people we love only really get a chance to be around each other during the holidays. What can then happen is that they try to put as much of themselves out there as possible in a short amount of time. They do this so others can see the things that are important to them, but egos can really start to clash.

Slow this down with curiosity. When someone you love, who you might not see a lot, seems to be acting over the top or “doing the most,” ask them questions. Say things like:

  • Can you help me understand _(someone’s action or an event)_____?
  • Tell me more about what you mean with that.
  • Can you give me some background about why you feel that way?
  • Here’s how I am seeing _(the situation)__ what do you think?

We have a download here where you can also learn to paraphrase while being curious.

Remember, the conversation is not about winning, it is about connecting and understanding.

Come to Agreements

While listening to others around the holidays, you might find that things need to move forward. If you have taken time to listen to someone else and feel that they have listened to you, make some agreements so that you both can understand each other better.

Relationships can sometimes need negotiating. In the example of my friend’s son bringing up politics with grandpa, you can ask for an agreement from your son. You can say something like, I know you are passionate about the political climate right now, but could you hold off on these conversations during the holiday meal? If your son agrees, you can kindly hold him to that agreement later.

Or how about you want help cleaning up after the meal. Gather the family together ahead of time and let them know you’d like them to help you clean up after. Ask them to agree and they will usually be willing to stick to the agreement.

Agreements have a way of shifting our behaviors so we align to what we promise. 

Maintain Loving Boundaries

All of the above strategies to improve your relationships over the holidays give you the opportunity to hold true to your loving boundaries. If you are unsure of your boundaries, we have a Boundary Booklet you can download just to the left of this article.

Overall, your boundaries communicate a trust for others. They are more than just a psychological wall you build to keep yourself safe. You use your boundaries to let others know that they can run their own lives. It is okay for you to stand beside them, but you will not live their lives for them.

During the holidays, boundaries are more necessary than ever. They will help you have curios conversations without taking on something that is not yours. These boundaries will also help you hold others to the agreements they have made while also allowing you to accept when people might not be able to live up to those agreements.

Two women talking over a table.

Notice the Best

Overall, take time to notice the best in all of the people around you. 

It is easy to get overwhelmed during the holidays and see where people are falling short. Instead, do a quick mindset shift and notice where people are trying and how others bring good energy to a space. Then comment on it. Let others know that you are noticing what is positive about them.

Comment on their strength and the effort you see them putting in. When they meet an agreement, it doesn’t take anything away from you to let them know you appreciate it. Spread that gratitude and see the light in others.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

Does an anger management program sound like the next step for you? Purchase our program here.

This blog may contain affiliate links.

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Self Love and Accountability

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Self Love and Accountability

The path to happiness and self love sometimes begins with a period of isolation. This happens because you realize that you have been abandoning yourself. You find yourself alone for a while in order to start nurturing a relationship with yourself. 

After a while, you might start to wonder if your self love is becoming selfish. This thought will come up for many reasons, but also because some of the more toxic friends in your life will point out that your self love is you being selfish.

So, as with anything, there is a balance. Moving into a phase of cultivating a love for yourself, can cause some selfishness at first, but not for the reason that others point out. You will have to focus on things like what you want, and what you think, or how you feel etc. for a while. 

But as you move through different phases of self love, you will find that your self love actually begins to increase your accountability. Here are a few reasons why:

Your Friends Will Change and So Will Your Impact

To start, your self love journey will lead you away from people who might be crossing your lines, or doing you harm. You do not need to declare some type of relationship battle, but you will start to see those who are not aligned with your highest self, act out or take space from you.

Given that you are building internal resources to support yourself, you will be able to cope with this shift. 

Furthermore, you will start to have a different expectation of how you are treated, but also how you treat and impact others. Your current friendships that are already solid, will start to change and have more depth because there will be a high level of expectations and accountability for all of you. 

Also, you will start to attract people who are also more confident in their self love. New people entering your life will be on a different level and will begin to feel they can have psychological trust with you.

Your Boundaries Will Reflect Your Care

While the authentic people who were already around you, and the new friends who vibe on your level support these positive changes in you, you will also develop very loving boundaries.

Boundaries develop in a few stages, but in the end they are not only a communication of what you will and will not tolerate for yourself, they also communicate something profound for those around you. What your boundaries tell others is that you trust them to run their lives. This is an advanced way of loving yourself AND others. 

Your loving boundaries become not just a wall between you and others, they communicate how much faith you have in others to be kind, respectful, understanding, and flexible. Boundaries can shift based on this trust. They hold you and others accountable to each other.

Your Emotional Reactions will be Under Control

Part of self love is learning to manage emotions and cope with difficulty. Self love moves from, “I want to learn to love myself more” to, “I want to become and love the best version of myself.”

This happens because you begin to love yourself, but also start to see that there are layers of yourself from the past that need this love. You do inner child work as see how your negative emotions impact your current self love and happiness. This means that you need to start to cope with negative emotions and thoughts.

If you take on this challenge with a mindset of self love, you will learn how to label your emotions, meditate to understand your own mind, set affirmations, stay present during difficult times, etc.

All of this work leads to you holding yourself accountable for your own emotions. As this happens, you start to connect with your emotions and learn to manage your reactions. 

It All Adds Up to a Profound Life Change

The beginning of your self love journey will be completely imperfect and beautiful at the same time. There will be struggles that you will look back on and shake your head.

Yet, you will start to develop an expectation of yourself and others. This type of accountability will lead to profound change in your life. Your relationship with yourself will be deep and rich because you will be accountable to a vision of the best version of yourself. Through this, you will see a vision for those around you. People will notice that you hold them to this and it will make them feel capable and loved. 

Consequently, your connections with others will move to a phase of appreciation that will hold all of you accountable to love, forgiveness, communication, and repair. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

Does an anger management program sound like the next step for you? Purchase our program here.

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Nurturing Self Trust and Intuition

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Nurturing Trust: A Guide to Embracing Your Intuition

In a world filled with constant noise and external influences, it can be challenging to listen to that quiet inner voice—the voice of intuition. Yet, learning to trust yourself and your instincts is a powerful journey that can lead to better decision-making, increased self-confidence, and a deeper sense of fulfillment.

In this blog post, we will explore the importance of trusting yourself and provide practical steps to strengthen your connection with your intuition.

Understanding Intuition

Intuition is often described as a deep, instinctive feeling or knowing that arises without conscious reasoning. It’s that gut feeling or inner wisdom that guides us, especially when faced with uncertainty. While it may seem elusive or mysterious, intuition is a natural part of being human. It draws on our past experiences, emotions, and subconscious knowledge to inform our present choices.

Intuition does not allow you to predict the future, it just allows you to make choices you can live with.

Why Trusting Yourself Matters

1. Improved Decision-Making – Trusting your intuition allows you to tap into a wellspring of wisdom that may not be immediately apparent. When faced with choices, your intuition can provide valuable insights that go beyond logical analysis. Learning to rely on this inner guidance can lead to authentic decision-making that is aligned with your core values.

2. Increased Confidence – As you consistently listen to and trust your intuition, your self-confidence grows. You become more attuned with your inner guide and begin to appreciate  your uniques and the perspective you bring to each situation. This increased confidence not only benefits your decision-making but also spills over into various aspects of your life.

3. Alignment with Authentic Self – Your intuition often reflects your true desires, values, and passions. Learning to trust yourself is a journey towards aligning your actions with your authentic self. This alignment brings a sense of purpose and fulfillment as you make choices that resonate with what could be considered your higher-self.

Practical Steps to Develop Trust in Yourself

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness:
Begin by paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Regular mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, can help you become more aware of your inner world. This self-awareness forms the foundation for recognizing and understanding your intuition.

2. Reflect on Past Experiences:
Take time to reflect on instances where you trusted your intuition and it proved to be beneficial. Similarly, consider times when you ignored your inner guidance and the outcomes. Reflecting on past experiences helps you understand the patterns and signals your intuition sends.

3. Quiet the Noise:
In a world filled with external influences, it’s essential to create moments of stillness. Whether through meditation, spending time in nature, or engaging in activities that bring you joy, find ways to quiet the external noise. This creates space for your intuition to be heard. This is also how you can learn confidence in yourself.

4. Practice Decision-Making:
Start with small decisions and practice listening to your intuition. Before reaching for external opinions or overthinking, pause and tune into your inner guidance. As you build confidence in your ability to make intuitive decisions, gradually tackle more significant choices.

5. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:
Trusting yourself is a life path choice, and mistakes are a natural part of that process. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, see them as valuable lessons that contribute to your growth. Embracing this perspective allows you to learn and refine your intuitive abilities over time.

6. Get to Know Yourself:
Getting to know yourself on a regular basis through self-conversation, self-exploration, journaling, and mindfulness, will keep you in a space of self-trust. Self love workbooks and exercises can be a regular practice for you to keep in touch with yourself. You are complex and often changing.

Conclusion

Learning to trust yourself and your intuition is a transformative journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and practice. As you cultivate a deeper connection with your inner wisdom, you’ll find yourself making decisions that align with your authentic self and lead to a more fulfilling life. Embrace the journey, and remember that your intuition is a powerful guide on the path to self-discovery and personal empowerment.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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This Thing is Not Meant For You

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This Thing is Not Meant For You

When something is not working, we have some choices to make. If you are in a situation of suffering, Eckhart Tolle says that, “you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it. All else is madness.” 

Yet, here you are, trying to force something to work that isn’t working. 

Maybe it’s that relationship, which you knew was done a long time ago, but your ego will not let it go. The idea that your significant other might not love you or might find someone else causes you to continue to push something that is only brining everyone pain.

Perhaps it is the job that you are holding onto while your boss is doing everything they can to have you removed. You could have done a good job, or maybe you didn’t, either way, you are not the right fit with the direction of the organization. But you hold on and find so many ways to be miserable rather than go find something that will make you happy.

It is madness. It is also self-abandonment.

You CAN be/do anything you want, but when you force something, it is time to re-visit your vision to adjust to reality.

Wake Up

I’m writing this knowing that it might not reach the person who needs it. But I need to tell you to wake up. Look around you. 

Seriously, if something is causing you suffering, then you really are walking towards it. Unless you have no other option but to accept a situation, every time you stay somewhere that you do not fit, you tell yourself you do not deserve to fit and you do not deserve happiness.

I know it’s hard to let go, but why do you want something that is wrong for you?

When we continue to stay in a situation that makes us miserable, it is because we are afraid that our next choice might turn out worse. And so what if it does?

While you search for your place, if you stick to your values, do self love work, and heal while you explore your next phase, you will be okay. 

Move On and Befriend Yourself

To stick with something that is not working is self-abandonment. To leave will feel like failure. But people fail, and that’s okay. We have to fail to learn what doesn’t serve us. It’s time to move on and go heal.

The misery you are in is the inner layers of you crying to be heard. These layers are begging for you to go on a journey of understanding and befriending yourself. 

My company, Shared Lotus, has courses and workshops for this, but there are thousands of ways to start. First, though, you have to take responsibility for your life. This beautiful life was not meant to be squandered convincing other people of your value.

Dare Greatly

I want you to go watch this Video of Brené Brown explaining what holds us back from being our greatest.

She refers to this quote by Theodore Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts…The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming…if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” 

You are failing right now for a reason. Since you have found this article, I’m going to tell you that the reason you are failing is so you can see that this thing is not meant for you.

It is time for you to go out and dare greatly with your life. Everyone’s life is special and important. There is no rush, there is no perfect.

As long as you are striving and doing the work to heal and find happiness, you will not waste your time. It doesn’t need to be dramatic and big. It’s the slow and wonderful journey for happiness and joy is the whole point.

So what’s holding you back? 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Is it Selfish to Love Myself in Times Like These?

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Is it Selfish to Love Myself in Times Like These?

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With all of the problems facing the world today, there is a fundamental question that you might be facing: Is it selfish to love myself in times like these? 

The short answer is: no.

If you need more convincing, just ask yourself the following questions:

Why Would You NOT Love Yourself?

To start, I’d like you to ask yourself this question: What does working on my self love actually take away from the world?

There are depressing and hard things happening on a global scale. Because of this, taking care of yourself with coping skills, healing practices, brain science, spirituality, etc, is something you need to chose each day. Your self love is a mindset that will support you through uncertainty.

Has NOT Loving Yourself Helped You?

When the weight of the world is on your shoulders, you might feel like you must give more of yourself to others. As a result you will worry about others more than yourself.

Selflessness is a virtue in many societies and you might feel that you must give to be good. 

I’m going to challenge you to understand that self love and selflessness can exist at the same time. 

In short, if you are feeling that you must only be selfless, then you risk burning yourself out. If you ignore your self love, you can enable others by having a lack of boundaries with them.

While you are investing time in the relationship you have with yourself and love for yourself, you will find that self care is essential. As a matter of fact, there is more evidence that rest can actually be a form of resistance to the forces that are doing us all harm. This will give you the strength and resilience to make decisions that are more loving, overall.

By neglecting self love, how are you actually helping anyone?

Has NOT Loving Yourself Helped Others?

What do you model for others when you are in a space of neglecting yourself? 

Loving yourself means that you have healthy boundaries, which allows those around you to learn about their own capacity to trust themselves.

Furthermore, if you are not loving yourself, you are allowing others to devalue you. Consequently, they might take that behavior into their other relationships and harm others.

But on a global scale, has loving ourselves got us into the situations that we are in now? Has a culture of self love and acceptance brought us to the challenges we are facing as a human race?

No, we are here due to egoic thinking. We are here because the humans with the most power and money have led with selfish and dominating intentions.

The world is in this state because  those in power actually practice the opposite of self love. Self love is not narcism and that’s the conclusion.

Self Love Could Be The Ultimate Answer

Think about it. If you were healed and whole. And the people around you were healed and whole. This article would be pointless.

You are investing in a dream when you work on your self love. The work you are doing on yourself flows out. Learning the skills to love yourself to the point that you can work through anything with a sense of wisdom and joy, will only HELP the world.

It is really about a vision for the future. Dr. Shawn Ginwright describe 4 Pivots we can take as a society to move to healing. In his book he describes self love and self care as essential.

Your self love is about the picture you have of the future. Equally important, you are shifting for yourself. Life is short, and your self love does not need to wait.

At the very least, it will do no harm to love yourself.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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