Author name: Lotus Contributor

What to do When You Fail

What to do When You Fail

So you failed.

It happens to all of us, but when it happens to you it can be crippling. 

Maybe you worked hard for something only to have it fall apart. Perhaps you lost a job you were proud of, or you keep telling yourself you will accomplish something and continue to fall short. A relationship can fail. You can feel like you failed as a parent. Really, anything can make you feel like a failure.

So how do you come back from a failure?

Where to Start

First, go ahead and throw that pity party and cry for as long as you need. Curl up in a ball and self-soothe.

Then, I cannot recommend therapy or coaching enough. When you have failed, you need some support. Your friends can help you and your family may be a source of love and support, but an outside person can help you to see what is happening without already having an emotional investment in your situation.

There are many programs for free or low-cost therapy out there, and it is an investment that costs much less than staying in pain that you could potentially work through with some help.

Given that it is my business to help people with their self love and acceptance, I recommend programs and workshops that fit you. They do not need to be here on this site, but you should explore where you can start your healing journey.

Failing can be traumatic, and you deserve to learn and grow from it. That’s hard to do if you don’t take some time to reflect.

Make Friends With Your Ego

When you fail it is your ego that feels it the most. 

After a colossal failure, I had humble myself and go backwards a little in my life. It was hard because my identity was so caught up in achievement. After failing, though, I needed to return to something I knew, I just needed peace and calm.

While other people I knew were out doing all the big things, I had to learn to just be happy for them while I worked on my self and my own happiness.

At this point, I learned to make friends with that competitive and jealous part of me. This part was also seen as my shadow, and when you can work with your own shadow you free yourself to be authentic and present. 

Work on Self Trust

Again, you are going to fail again someday. Maybe your most recent failure had to do with the way we sometimes abandon ourselves and forget to trust ourselves. We begin to ignore red flags.

If you do the things that are suggested above, you can start to have a conversation with yourself about self trust. Through this, you will start to recognize the difference between your ego and your inner voice. The inner voice will always be a guide and support you, whereas your ego can be more of a critic.

While healing you will learn to take risks again, because this is what makes life fun! You’ll trust yourself and you could still fail. Trusting yourself does not mean you are predicting the future, it just means you are living authentically and with resilience.

Recognize Your Humanity

This is not the end. The end is the end. If you are reading this, you are still alive, which means you still have time to change. 

Overall, you need to move through some stages of grief, heal, and start again. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Can Self Confidence Be Learned?

Can Self Confidence Be Learned?

If you are wondering: “Can self confidence be learned?” Then the short answer to this is yes, of course.

Yet, I understand that you are really asking, “How can self confidence be learned?”

Really, what are the steps for self confidence?

Self Confidence Begins With Healing

To learn self confidence, you must understand that there were many things that needed to occur for you to lose your confidence in yourself.

All of us have different reasons why we have moved from confident children, knowing we are wonderful and cute, to adults with less confidence. Everyone’s experience is unique in this way.

In one lifetime, you will go through the phase where you are conditioned to abandon yourself. The question is, will you step up and do what it takes to reconnect with that knowing and loving part of you?

To do that, you need to start with healing. There are many different modalities of healing currently. 

Self Confidence Comes From Your Mind

While going through various healing processes, you should consider how your brain and mind works.

During your younger life, your neurons were wired up in the best way for you to survive. Your brain is an organic system that responded to your environment. Because of this, it wired up to help you have the most amount of success for different situations.

Unfortunately, you might have adapted to situations that were toxic and negative. This means that some of your behaviors do not help your self-esteem. In fact, your low confidence behaviors might have served you to be safe in some way.

Knowing this, you have to be patient with your changes because they are hard wired into your brain. But remember, the brain is organic and can change. To make this happen, you must practice and work with it in a kind and loving manner. 

Confidence is Deep

Overall, your confidence is somewhere deep inside you. You will have to go through many layers to rediscover it. 

While you heal you will begin to invest time in a relationship with yourself and learn to trust yourself. Ultimately, self trust will lead to an unusual feeling: self confidence. But it will not be the type of self confidence that is arrogant or abusive, it will be a way you move through this world: Calm and Wise.

Now, go love yourself!!

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Loving Yourself Is a Continual Process

Loving Yourself is a Continual Process

When I started a self love journey it was because I just wanted to be happy. I realized I didn’t really even know what being happy was. I had no idea that loving yourself is a continual journey.

When I decided that happiness was something I really wanted, I started with the book The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.

Why not? It has the word happiness in it. And seeing the Dalai Lama as a happy person made me feel that there is an end goal for happiness. I felt like you learn to love yourself and be happy, then you move on to the next thing.

What I found was that this process is a life-long process. But not all of us realize that for many reasons. 

It Starts With Self Abandonment

At some point we abandon ourselves.

I have worked with people and children of all ages and see how young people walk into a space with confidence and excitement. Then slowly they lose their faith in themselves through many different social pressures and experiences.

As this continues, we begin to question ourselves and stop trusting ourselves. A new, critical, voice shows up in our minds. 

If you are lucky, you stay in contact with the part of yourself that makes decisions that are best for you. For most of us though, we are trained that are needs are secondary to fitting in and compliance. So we begin to make choices that are not what WE want fully.

Due to this, we start to feel like we do not deserve to love ourselves. Sometimes, we don’t even consider self love as a possibility at all, it never even comes up.

Moving Towards Ourselves

Hopefully, you realize that you are worthy of love. You are worthy of love outside and inside of yourself.

Once you realize this, you have to start making real moves in this direction. By the time we realize that self love is missing in our lives, our brains are wired in a pattern of negativity and low self-esteem. You might even be addicted to anger or other negative emotions. We doubt ourselves and have to relearn how.

As with the Dalai Lama book mentioned above, I had to work through many different resources to find the right fit for my journey. This is how it all starts. 

BUT!! It never ends. This is the best discovery of all, you are constantly changing and must continually invest time in the relationship with yourself.

Your Self Love Improves Your Whole Life

This path is a healing path. To love yourself you must heal the self abandonment from the past. You will have to forgive yourself and learn to trust yourself.

These things take time. You can get to an end place with some of it, but our lives are complex and never still. Because of this, we will always need to reflect and grow. 

While on this path, you will begin to see your worthiness. And, although you probably see the worthiness of others, that feeling for others will grow stronger. You will see that your self love, your boundaries, your increased self-esteem will inspire other, but also make you more empathetic and compassionate.

Enjoy This Ongoing Experience

In conclusion, you will need to prepare yourself to do this work over your lifetime. 

At the same time, you can chill and enjoy this work. While you heal, there will be so many ups and downs, but all of it is beautiful and unique to you. Your self love journey is something special and so is your entire life.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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5 Ways to Trust Yourself

5 Ways to Trust Yourself

You can lose trust for yourself in many different ways. Our society, overall, has a way of making us question ourselves to a point where we sometimes are unsure and insecure.

In other instances, we can become arrogant and righteous. Then, something happens that rocks us to our core and makes us question everything. This can be very traumatic and we can breakdown or publicly collapse.

For whatever reason, if your self-trust is in question, here are 5 ways to trust yourself and gain more confidence. 

Failure is an Opportunity for Growth

We stop trusting ourselves because we fail. This happens because we set our mind on a goal and do not reach that goal in the way we pictured. On top of that, we believe something and our beliefs are proven wrong. 

For me, I lost some trust in myself when I realized that someone I loved and trusted was actually actively sabotaging me behind my back. I found out that this person was doing things to hold me back and put me down for years. They were so close to me that when I finally ended the relationship, I had to completely rebuild how I saw myself.

Your situation might not be as dramatic, but it can include things such as losing a job, ending a relationship, bombing an interview, making a terrible choice, etc.

But here’s what you need to remember: Failure is how we grow. It took you time and many failures to learn to walk. You had to mess up a lot when you learned to dress yourself, but you did it anyway. 

The big life stuff is the same as the little things that you learned when you were a kid. If you think about it clearly, you’ll see that all the things you failed at taught you something valuable. 

To trust yourself again, you have to change your mindset to seeing failure and feedback from the world as an opportunity.

Get to Know Yourself

If you would like to trust yourself more, it would be good for you to get to know yourself on a deep level. We are often moving through the world operating on an unconscious level. 

You may not know yourself because you are following your regular routine and repeated thought patterns. On top of that, we have a million distractions that pull us away from a strong relationship with ourselves.

Getting to know yourself is as simple as digging into what you know you like and do not like. Your self-knowledge is an acknowledgement of how you are showing up for yourself and others.

Furthermore, you need to do a deep exploration of your values. Your values are so important that they guide all of your emotions and decisions. 

Getting to know yourself is a process because you are complicated and beautiful.

Learn to Trust Your Gut (Your Instincts)

We learn to ignore our instincts for many reasons. When you are ready to trust yourself, you will need to re-learn how to follow your gut and your instincts. 

In order to learn to trust your instincts you will need to take time to yourself. While doing this, you will need to learn to communicate with yourself. You do this so you will know when your instincts are leading you in the right direction or if your feelings are coming up from some past trauma or manipulation.

Use meditation, visualization, courses, therapy, and any modality that you align with to learn to communicate with yourself. You will begin to feel your and understand when your instincts are activated and how to react.

Challenge Your Thinking

When you learn to trust yourself, you will also see that there are times when you need to challenge yourself. We have to do this because we sometimes fall into thinking traps.

Thinking traps are a way our mind makes us over-exaggerate situations. We will catastrophize, try to mind read, personalize things and more. As a result, we might be thinking of a situation in a negative light and need to shift our mindset. We have created a mental model of a situation that might be a little distorted.

To kindly challenge our own thinking, what we are doing is trying to make sure that we are looking at a situation objectively, not with an emotional lens. This download has an easy way to challenge a mental model and your assumptions.

Let Go of People Pleasing

Finally, one of the reasons you are not trusting yourself is because you are too busy trying to please other people. 

It is hard to let people down, but if you work on your boundaries, you can learn how to say no with love. Worrying about what others think, living in a type of fear of rejection, and wondering if others are okay with what you are doing, steals your self-trust. You are essentially stealing from yourself. 

Conclusion

Remember, there is no perfect way to start trusting yourself. The suggestions above are just an entry point for beginning a journey and learning process that is worthwhile. As long as you begin this work, you will find what aligns with what you need.

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Can You Be Addicted to Anger?

Can You Be Addicted to Anger?

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When you feel negative emotions on a regular basis, you might want to ask yourself: Can you be addicted to anger?

Anger is not harmful until you start to lash out and hurt your relationships or your health.

Just like love, anger puts out chemicals in our brains that we can get addicted to. This happens because anger is a survival emotion and is meant to be short lived. 

Unless you are in a fight for your life, your anger is generally a reaction to a threat to your ego and your addiction to your anger is really an addiction to the identity you would like to protect.

How the Addiction Works in Your Brain

Inside your brain, you have an inner-part that is your primitive brain. It is responsible for all your instinctual reactions.

Considering this, anger is an instinctual reaction to a type of threat or danger. Many times the threat is to the person we are striving to be. 

On the other hand, the outer layer of your brain is the part that is responsible for the wisest parts of you. This is where you are able to problem solve and work through situations.

During a trigger, like anger, your wise brain goes offline and it can be very hard to think rationally. You go into a primitive reaction like fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. 

At some point in your life this reaction got you out of a stressful situation. Because of this, you automatically respond and might not even know why. 

How an Addiction to Anger Works With Your Ego

Your ego needs to be right because there are actual neurons that are wired up in your brain that explain the world to you.

To illustrate this, imagine you were constantly making new meaning of your environment and your beliefs, your brain would be overloaded.  Consequently, it wires up with the ideas of “right and wrong”.

This harms you when your wiring makes someone else so wrong to the point that it makes you angry.

While you are angry at others, you are then superior to others. This superiority feeds what we know as the ego and can keep us in a conflict for far too long.

But, you cannot beat yourself up, because your ego is there to help the world make sense and to keep you safe.

What Can You Do?

Have you heard the phrase, you need to feel it to heal it?

Well, anger is no different. 

To begin, you will need to really notice things that activate your anger. Then, you will have to actually feel the anger and understand why it is trying to protect you.

Then you will have to learn to love yourself while managing your anger. While working on this, you will go through certain phases to dissolve your triggers.

Start Managing Your Anger

Overall, your anger is natural and shoving it down or ignoring it, will only take away from your ability to manage your reactions. Your angry reactions take away from your relationships with others and with yourself.

Therefore, it is time to start managing your anger in a healthy way that supports your boundaries and your growth. You are worthy of a life of peace and grace. Unfortunately, when we are addicted to anger, we end up focusing on things that irritate, frustrate, or drive us crazy. 

A positive focus with an anger management program can support more and more moments of calm confidence and inner peace.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Self Love and The Power of Journaling

The Power of Journaling: A Self Love Journey Within

There is a powerful self love tool that can enhance your well-being and bring positive changes to your life – Journaling. How does journaling help you heal and love yourself?

The Therapeutic Potential of Journaling:

Did you know that journaling has been proven to have numerous benefits for your mental, emotional, and even physical health? An analysis of multiple studies on journaling has revealed that it has the potential to relieve stress, boost your immune system, improve memory, elevate mood, and reduce feelings of depression. Journaling provides a safe and private space for you to express yourself, explore your thoughts and emotions, and gain insights into your inner world.

While you get to know yourself through journaling, you learn what you need. Your needs are specific to you and can only be discovered through building a relationship with yourself. You can work on this relationship through journaling.

Rewiring Your Brain through Journaling

One of the most remarkable aspects of journaling is its ability to rewire your brain, especially when used during emotional moments. By putting pen to paper and pouring out your feelings, you activate different areas of your brain and create new neural connections. This process can lead to a deeper understanding of your emotions and experiences, enabling you to process and heal from past wounds. This helps you activate the neurons that connect to your heart and strengthen self love.

A Versatile Tool for Self-Reflection

Journaling is a versatile tool that can be adapted to suit your unique needs and preferences. Whether you choose to write daily or weekly, your journal can serve as loving way to organize your thoughts, make plans, write affirmations, and reflect on your life’s journey. There are no strict rules or guidelines when it comes to journaling; it is a conversation with yourself, it is a space for self love where you can freely express your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Discovering Inner Wisdom

When you journal, you create a bridge to your inner wisdom. Through the act of writing, you can pose questions to yourself and meditate on the answers that emerge from within. Trust in your intuition and write down the insights you receive. Your journal becomes a source of guidance and self-discovery, a place where you can deepen your connection with your true self. There is a beauty to life as you follow your intuition and trust yourself.

Processing Emotions and Thoughts

Journaling provides an opportunity to label and explore your emotions in a supportive environment. You can freely express your joys, fears, frustrations, and dreams, helping you process and understand your thoughts and feelings better. Embrace the freedom to let your emotions flow onto the pages of your journal, without being held back by grammar or punctuation.

Labeling your emotions is a powerful tool to regulate them. As you label these emotions, you start to calm down and begin to make good decisions for yourself.

Conclusion

In conclusion, journaling is a powerful tool that can positively impact your well-being on multiple levels. It offers a therapeutic outlet for your emotions, a space for self-reflection, and an avenue to discover your inner wisdom. As you continue on your journey of self love and setting loving boundaries, consider incorporating journaling into your daily or weekly routine. Embrace the process, enjoy the journey, and watch as your thoughts and feelings find a voice on the pages of your journal.

Remember, it’s all about you – your thoughts, your emotions, your growth. There are no limitations in your journal; let your heart and soul guide the way.

Happy journaling!

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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5 Ways to Start a Self Love Journey

5 Ways to Start a Self Love Journey

Self love is an act of love for the world. You should not confuse self love for selfishness or arrogance, but it is easy to see how it can get confused. 

When you are practicing self love, you are working on a relationship with yourself and that will happen how it needs to as you dive deeper into your care for yourself.  

Truly, you will find your own path after you start this healing and thriving journey, but if you are not sure where to start, here are just 5 ways to start a self love journey.

1. Heal and Communicate with Your Inner Child?

While there is no order that you need to go in for your self love journey, healing your inner child is a good start. You can do this alone or with a therapist. To love a child is a powerful love. When you begin to see that you were also a child who deserved so much love, you can begin to see that there is still a child inside of you. With some inner child exercises, you can begin to communicate with that part of you and find out what it needs to heal.

2. Establish Loving Boundaries

Understanding what boundaries are and how you can keep yours sacred is a practice in self love. As a matter of fact, your boundaries not only show love for yourself, they communicate to others that your trust them to run their own lives. Learning how to establish and communicate your boundaries can have a learning curve, but it feels amazing to live within them once you know how.

3. Learn to Forgive Yourself

While you work on all the ways to love yourself, you will find that maybe you are holding a grudge against yourself. Guilt and shame can be heavy burdens to carry. Because of these burdens, we can often end up having a hard time moving fully into love for ourselves. Releasing guilt and shame through a forgiveness ritual can make us lighter and help us to understand that we were doing our best during all the stages of our lives. 

4. Use Tools to Advocate for yourself

Self love means being able to stand your ground. This could be enforcing your boundaries, getting your needs met, or solving a problem with a friend. Consequently, you need to have a communication format that you use to make sure you are communicating clearly with others. Communication involves more than just talking, you will have to listen to others. Listening with a loving focus communicates love for yourself and others, while also helping you think clearly. 

5. Practice Self Care

Many times self care is seen as going to get a massage or pedicure. Doing something to take care of yourself in this way can be a great way to support yourself when you need a pick-me-up. On the other hand, self care is also learning to accept yourself as you are. It is also listening to yourself and taking care of any needs that come up. Overall, self care falls under understanding yourself and how to heal anything that needs work.

Conclusion

These are just a few suggestions for you to begin your self love journey. There are so many resources out there for you and all you have to do is look at the topics above and being to dig in.

Once you start, you will discover other ways that you want to love and honor yourself. These habits will help you build a healthy relationship with yourself, which naturally leads to healthy relationships with others.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

Work through lessons that explore the strategies above (and more) on our Udemy Course for purchase here.

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Self Love and Loving Others

Self Love and Loving Others

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Self love is not an act of selfishness. In fact, it is actually the opposite. 

How you see and treat others is a projection of how you see and treat parts of yourself.

Now, I know that you could argue against the statement above, but I would challenge you to really consider how you are treating yourself and others.

The point here is that if you love yourself, and are working on a relationship with yourself, that will shift how you interact with others. You might be asking yourself, how can my self love improve my relationships with others?

Relationships are Essential

First, consider how human beings are wired for connection. From birth, we are wired to mimic and depend on others for survival. 

As we grow, we find that our connections with others can have a profound effect on our emotional wellbeing. Some of our connections are healthy and others are not. The human connection is a basic survival need even as we try to establish our individuality during adolescence.

Sometimes, we get the message that other people’s needs are more important than ours. We can also start to lose sight and love for our own selves.

Our instincts are to feel and show love for others, but it can get distorted if there is any kind of abuse or violation of trust. Due to this, we can start to focus more and more outside of ourselves for a sense of worth. 

On the other hand, we could end up building and fostering healthy and loving relationships that keep us thriving. Then we reach an age where our self worth and self love are more within our control, but do we have the skills to love ourselves while loving others at that point?

The First Relationship to Work On is the One With Yourself

When people move into a path of self love, it is usually because they see that their relationships with others are just not working the way they wish they would.

In many Buddhist traditions, there is an understanding that someone will continue to suffer over and over until they realize that they no longer want it. When someone is suffering in their relationships, they often can realize that they are missing something like self-esteem or self love. 

Once a person has decided that enough is enough, they can start working on their most important relationship, the one with themselves.

Many people avoid this because it can seem selfish, but that’s not what self love is.

Self love is when you begin to nurture yourself. You start to see yourself as worthy of love, boundaries, healthy relationships, and tenderness. As a result, you start to seek out tools to show these things for yourself.

As this starts, some of your more toxic relationships will no longer be tolerable for you. Conversely, the most healthy relationships you have will start to play a more important role.

As You Work On Yourself, You Benefit Others

A true self love journey is really just a journey about love itself.

When you are loving yourself, you have real and difficult conversations with yourself. 

The deep conversation with yourself will be to explore your values, define your vision for who you want to be, know how you will show up in the world, work on your boundaries, and more. You will move towards a consistent understanding of who you are.

Although your work will be internal, your changes will start to be external. Others will begin to see the impacts of your work. You will essentially be modeling how they also can begin to love themselves.

Here’s an example: 

You start to work on your boundaries and begin to realize that your boundaries actually communicate how much you trust others to handle their own lives. Because of this, you start to express how much you trust those around you to make their own decisions. Soon, others around you start to feel that trust and responsibility for themselves and they feel empowered.

Your Self Love Will Create Patience and Understanding

Your relationship with yourself, your modeling for others, and the growth you make will teach you patience and understanding of yourself.

As a result, you’ll begin to realize that everyone else might be working on similar skills. This will lead you to slow down and understand people more. You will start to communicate more with others in different ways so you can understand them and work through any problem in a loving way.

Finally, your assumptions about others will begin to feel more positive and humane, which will support deep relationships.

Conclusion

The above are just a few reasons why self love actually connects you to others, but there are so many more reasons.

When you learn to love yourself, you learn what love is. You begin to look inside of you and see something radiant and beautiful. Consequently, you start to see that same beauty inside of others. 

You cannot start to develop a deep and nurturing love for yourself and not see the worthiness of those around you.  

At the very least, it will do no harm to love yourself.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

By starting a self love journey, you are making a powerful statement to yourself and others. Begin with our program: Techniques for Self Love and Acceptance.

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Ponderings – Quotes

Ponderings

We have a few moments of insight that may help you on your self love journey.

I used to have an agreement that the people who did not like me or look at me with disdain are the people who matter the most. I needed to meet a need of theirs, and also seek approval. What about you?
Meme that says you belong int that space.

The above quotes and ponderings are a culmination of insights from many years working with people who are on a self love path. This is a path that is meant for you and you are worthy of. 

Do not forget that it took so many billions of years for this moment that is in front of you. There is no reason to waste this time you have on this earth.

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Don’t Feed Toxic People as a Part of Your Self Love

Don't Feed a Toxic Person as a Part of Your Self Love

You’ve been there. A person is constantly triggering you.

For some reason, something about this person makes you feel like you need to defend yourself or argue. Whenever you are around this person you can feel the irritation and anger rise up.

This person is toxic to you. 

They might seem to be able to get along with others, or you may notice that they are always having the same problems with other people. In either case, YOU are not able to keep boundaries with this person. Also, you might notice that you act differently than you want to around this person.

You are improving yourself, keeping cool, regulating your emotions, but this person keeps finding ways to make you feel out of control.

Your Reaction Feeds Them

Whether they are conscious of it or not, a toxic person feels very comfortable with conflict. They might act dramatic or say that they are “no drama,” but that is just not true.

On the psychology side of this situation, toxic people continue to find themselves in hard and volatile situations. It is a part of their makeup. They were probably raised in chaotic environments and recreate this wherever they go. 

Unless they are coming to you to get support in their own healing journey, it is really their problem and not yours. (It’s never actually your problem)

Knowing this, you need to understand that your reaction or overreaction feeds something inside of them. There is a deep satisfaction that they get when you get triggered by the subtle (or obvious) things they do to you.

How to React

When you feel a trigger around someone, it is a sign for you to get some space. 

If you can, safely walk away and be with yourself. You might want to go process your feelings with someone, but be sure it is someone who will not tell your thoughts to the toxic person. A toxic person will claim they HATE being gossiped about, but that’s not true. The gossip will again feed their toxicity.

Instead, take a walk, journal, talk to your therapist, or meditate on the event. Decide if this person is toxic and then decide not to feed them.

By not feeding a toxic person, I mostly mean ignoring them. Communicate lovingly if you have to interact with them, but limit your time with this person. The JADE technique is a great way to remember not to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain anything to this person.

Here’s what will happen. They might try to draw you back into some kind of relationship with them or lash out on you, at first. But gradually, you will no longer be available for them to get their fix. They will start to look elsewhere for the chaos that they create. 

You will begin to live in peace. Do you want peace? Or do you want the drama and chaos this person brings into your life? Reflect on that.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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