Author name: Lotus Contributor

Anger Management and Self Love

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Anger Management and Self Love

Many people beat themselves up when they react in a situation with anger and lashing out. This can increase an angry reaction and make matters worse. You’re here because you know that anger can destroy your relationships and do harm to others, but it does immense damage to you as well. Without a doubt, anger management and self love go hand in hand.

Self Love is a gentle way to nurture yourself while you grow and change in the direction you have chosen for yourself. If anger is getting in the way of your goals, relationships, and dreams for yourself, it might be time to try some strategies based on loving yourself. 

Where to Start

When I work face-to-face with my students, we list out emotion words that describe our anger. Using a scale from 1-10 we decide where each word ranks. For example, a situation that is a 1 would be something that causes us mild irritation. But a 10 is a situation that might push us to violence.

We then associate circumstances, in our lives, that bring us between a 1 and a 10. It is important for us to realize that a 10 is a situation where your life is literally in danger. Many people hit a 10 because their body and mind might feel a major threat, but in reality they are not at risk of being physically harmed.

Overall, the first place you start is recognizing what situations are causing you the most anger.

Recognizing Triggers

After ranking angry situations, you can begin to recognize your triggers. You will notice your anger more and be conscious of it when it comes up. 

At first, you might still lash out when you get angry. This is natural because your wiring in your brain is used to driving you to act a certain way. With any behaviors, you sometimes need to notice them after you act them out before you can begin to catch yourself during your reaction. The growth process will look like this:

  1. You will still get angry and overreact or lash out, but you will remember soon after that you have a goal to stop behaving this way.
  2. After reflecting, you will identify what triggered your anger and will make a plan for next time.
  3. During the next situation you will recognize your anger reaction DURING the reaction.
  4. If you are practicing self love, you will be able to see that you are growing and changing by being conscious of your anger sooner this time.
  5. Again, you will reflect and identify any new triggers you haven’t already noticed.
  6. After some time, you will notice your anger before you react with angry behaviors and you will remove yourself from the situation to go take care of your anger.

With this in mind, you will need some techniques to help you work through all of these steps and beyond.

Techniques for Anger Management
- With a Self Love Emphasis

To work through the stages listed out above, you will need tools. These tools can be applied based on your own preferences and what works best for you. After all, you are unique and will need to bring awareness into how you learn the best.

Connect with Your Anger – You are made of many different parts. You have an amazingly generous part of you, the kind and gentle part of you, the funny part, and also this angry part. While recognizing your triggers and anger, you need to connect to this part of you. You might need to do some inner child healing, or therapy to understand this part of you and not avoid it. You might even need to start working on  communicating your boundaries.

It is not the anger that is the negative part of your experience, it’s the energy that blocks you from connecting to your anger that causes negativity. Connect so you can heal.

Labeling Your Emotions – When you are angry, you can google words for anger and start to label the anger with different words. You might find that you are disappointed, frustrated, betrayed, etc. Labeling emotions is a powerful tool to help calm your nervous system and get you ready to problem solve. 

Meditate and/or Journal – Taking time with yourself to meditate during times when you are not angry, helps to prepare your mind for times when anger arises. Journaling can also help you to release some of the anger, if you do it when you are first noticing that there’s a problem. Doing these things in times when you are calm helps you access these strategies in times when you are angry. After much practice, you will be able to remove yourself from the situation and process in a way that’s best for you.

Conclusion

Overall, you will not be able to fully get rid of your anger.  Anger serves a purpose in survival situations and is a natural part of you.

This part of you needs acceptance and love. When you learn to step away from a situation where you might do something you regret, you will gain time with yourself. Consequently, you will start a conversation with yourself about what you deserve and how you can be healthy. This will begin to impact your relationships in a loving and encouraging way. 

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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What is Self Love?

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What is Self Love?

Start by Defining Love

If you are asking the question, what is self love? Then it might be good for us to first explore the word “love.”

bell hooks described her exploration for a universal definition of “love” in her book all about love. She chose Erich Fromm’s definition that love is, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” 

The key word in that sentence is the word “nurture.” bell also emphasized that you cannot nurture and be purposefully hurtful or abusive. Furthermore, love is a verb.

There are so many definitions of love. Because of this, it is hard to decide which definition is the best. Many people have been taught that sometimes people who love us will hurt us. We have learned that love might be associated with affection and attraction (either physically or spiritually) to someone else. 

Instead, the word “love” describes the feeling we have for someone/something that we want to see thrive. Love is deep attachment to our curiosity about someone or something outside of us. We feel it on a spiritual level.

True Love

What we think of as love can make us possessive and competitive. It can pull out our egos and fill us with jealousy. The strong emotion that is usually associated with love can confuse us.

Yet, if you think about it, you know what true love really is. All you have to do is imagine your ideal self. Your ideal self is a person who is giving, kind, patient, and mentally clear. This ideal version of you loves in a pure way that is never selfish or hurtful.

This person nurtures all of the people around them. That nurturing is true love. True love is taking the elated and joyful feelings you have and transforming them into the acts of listening, guiding, caring, respecting, trusting, tenderness, and freedom.

If a person who is “loving” were to act in that way towards all the people in their lives, this would be the type of love described in all spiritual theologies. This person lives in you, they are a part of you.

Applying True Love to Yourself

If a “loving person” acts in a nurturing, kind, patient way. Then this means all of the people who come in contact with this person feel heard, cared for, and free to be themselves. Also, they can heal and grow.

Self love is applying all of these behaviors and actions to yourself. Self love is the act of nurturing yourself. Consequently, with self love, you can begin to release hurtful or abusive ways that you might treat yourself.

Gradually, as a result of working on a true love for yourself, you emulate that love for others. 

Self love is just like any other love, it takes investment, time, patience, and commitment. It is beautiful road with hills and various adventures. It is not always pleasant, but it is worth it.

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Boundaries and Red Flags

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Boundaries and Red Flags

When you are beginning to explore your boundaries, you may start noticing how others react to them. These reactions could be considered red flags. It’s important to pay attention to your boundaries and red flags that come up.

When a red flag comes up, it is usually a feeling that we have. It can start with alarm, a feeling of uncertainty, mistrust, sadness, anger, or any negative feeling that just feels “off”.

Take Space When You Notice a Red Flag

When you notice a red flag it is because this person is triggering a response in you. Take some time and reflect as to why you are feeling this negative feeling.

Is it because you are being asked to do something that you cannot even control? Are you overwhelmed?

Will the choice that you are being asked to make slow down your progress in your self love journey?

It is better to approach a situation slowly, with a lot of reflection and love for yourself, rather than walk into a situation where you are feeling manipulated. 

When you feel a red flag, the first thing you have permission to do is step away and process that feeling. This is a boundary on its own, the right to take time to understand what you need.

A red flag doesn’t always mean that you have run away from someone. Just take space and evaluate if there are a lot of red flags and decide if it is time to communicate with the other person.

When Have You Ignored a Red Flag?

If you are wondering how to explore this for yourself, begin by reflecting on situations where you felt manipulated, you got angry and in a fight with someone, or you might have ended a friendship.

Now, think back on the beginning of that relationship or situation and decide when you might have ignored some warning signs.  Write down some of the things you might have not set a limit on. 

This is not an exercise in “beating yourself up.” Actually, this is a way to see your red flag patterns. You are brining your awareness to things you might dismiss. 

For Example

In example in my life occurred with a friend who wanted me to support them in a difficult work situation. I noticed that I was unsure about supporting this person in a work meeting, but ignored my red flag. I went into this meeting having my friend’s back without investigating the situation first. I stood firm with my friend and believed their victim story.

Later, I found out that my friend had not been fully honest with me and had caused a lot of problems behind the scene. They continued to manipulate me until I over-reacted in the situation. When I looked back, I realized I had plenty of red flags that I should have paid attention to.

If I had taken time to listen to myself, established a loving boundary, and allowed my friend to go through something that might have been hard, they may have grown and I would not have felt manipulated by them.

A good boundary would have been good for them and me.

Time to Communicate

After taking time to reflect, it is time to communicate your boundaries. There are many different ways to do this. If this part gets you nervous, take a look at our article here.

You do not necessarily have to end your relationship with someone, communicating is a skill that we are losing. 

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Self Love Connects You to Your Higher Power

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Self Love Connects You to Your Higher Power

Is self love selfish or bad?
 
That is a question I see out there a lot.
 
But here’s what I want you to think about. Every religion or spiritual practice centers itself on love. Some would even say that “God is love.” 
 
Therefore, if God or a Higher Power is a creator, even your creator, why would your Higher Power not want you to love and value yourself? If a higher power created you in their image, and wants you to love them, why would self love not be a part of that equation?
 
I’m even going to argue that self love connects you to your Higher Power, if you are looking to deepen that relationship.

The Stages of This Connection

You Begin to Realize That You Want to Love Yourself

To start, you notice that you are possibly begin hard on yourself. You might feel down, have a low self-esteem, or worse.

Slowly, you realize that there is more to this and begin to wonder if it is even possible to love yourself. You know there must be more to this. This is also how seekers of a Higher Power or spiritual guidance start.

Intuitively, you know that you are worthy of self love. This is more than just pride or vanity, which is sometimes seen as a “sin” in religion. In contrast, you realize you are looking for something more meaningful.

Where did this idea come from? Did you feel it in your soul? Sit and listen, your Higher Power is calling you to love.

You Explore Ways to Fall in Love with Yourself

As you begin to explore, you find yourself running into inspiration. You find practices that continually refer to how miraculous it is that you are here. 

No one’s journey is the same, but if you look around, you will see encouragement to look at the marvels that have been created for you to enjoy. You might learn meditation, coping techniques, healing the inner child, and reading personal development books. 

You will realize that you can follow joy as a part of self love. This will connect you to the awe that your Higher Power wants for you.

You Will Hear Your Higher Power

A self love journey involves so much healing and learning. It is a continual practice that involves following clues. These clues are left for you by someone. 

Even if your Higher Power is the collective human healing experience, those who came before you are leaving you information. Your path will be full of love from this Universe or God. Your path will be yours and only your Higher Power will know all the details with you. 

Sit quietly and listen closely.

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Communicating Boundaries

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Communicating Boundaries

Often, communicating boundaries is easier said than done. Implementing your boundaries can be draining. Also, you can run into situations where you get rejected, have a conflict with someone, disappoint them, or come across as selfish.

If you have one or more people in your life that is continually crossing your lines then communicating your boundaries can suck your energy. If you have many people crossing your lines, it is time to reevaluate your choices as to who you associate with.

But first, try these communication techniques for conveying your expectations of others.

Have the Right Mindset 

When you are about to walk into the conversation about your boundaries, you must prepare your mind.

First, remember that your boundaries are a reflection of your pure love for yourself. They are not selfish or mean. Setting them tells the other person that you have faith in their ability to handle the particular situation that is coming up.

Furthermore, this conversation is a mutual expression of love for them, and love for yourself.

Start the Conversation

One way to set a boundary is to acknowledge how the other person is feeling while still communicating your decision to set the boundary.

Dr.s Henry Cloud & John Townsend state that, “Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.” p. 96

But it is your faith in the other person and the trust in their own journey that will allow you to say no.

You first start by just saying no to the request. Click here to see many different ways to say no.

Some of my favorites are, “It’s not a good idea for me,” “Not at this time,” “I’m not comfortable with that,” “I’m here for you, but I really can’t do what you are asking for.”

Or be straight up with them and say something like, “This decision doesn’t align with my values, so I have to say no. I hope you can understand.”

Then acknowledge their feelings if they push.

  • Say something like, “I understand that you are frustrated that I can’t do _____?”
  • “I get you want me to _____, and you’re upset, but I can be here for you in other ways.”

I-Statements

Your boundaries are about you, but you are also empowering the other person to respect you.

Using an I-Statement when you set the boundary can help you be clear with your expectation.

For this you would say something like,

  • “I don’t feel comfortable with the way this is playing out. I need you to stop _______.”
  • “I feel frustrated when you are late to our dates, I need you to change the time we meet, or make more effort to be on time.”
  • I ___(feeling word)__when ____(behavior of other person)___. I need ___(your need)___.

There are a ton of resources online for you to find I-statements, but I like this one in particular.

Be Patient

Overall, these are just suggestions that you can use to communicate boundaries.

Communicating your boundaries is part of an overall communication difficulty. Here are some ways to ensure that you communicate lovingly.

Just be patient with yourself and others because they are not used to this part of you. At the same time, you are not used to this part of you either. It’s all about growth and love.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

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Mindfulness is Self Love

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Mindfulness is Self Love

The practice of mindfulness has gained a lot of popularity over the past 20 years. When I teach my students about mindfulness, I explain it as basically the practice of paying attention and being in the moment.

It is a way to reduce anxiety, decrease stress, improve focus and mental health, and increase happiness. With benefits like these, mindfulness is definitely a tool for self love. 

How is Mindfulness a Tool for Self Love?

To practice mindfulness, you have to let go of the past and the future to focus on the moment in front of you. 

Usually our minds are quite chaotic. If you were to just sit and observe your mind, you will notice that it is busy thinking about things that happened in the past in one moment. Then your mind will jump to something it is planning. A moment later, your mind might lead you into some fantasy or have you in an argument with someone.

Although you might be very creative at this time, you are a victim of the wiring of your mind. 

When you start being mindful,  you are take time to slow down and be with the chaos. In this way you are making friends with your mind. Then, slowly, you begin to focus your mind on the moment at hand.

As a result of your focus, you begin to release the thoughts that weigh you down to the past, which can cause depression. Also, you let go of the planning and focus on the future, which can create anxiety.

This practice takes patience with yourself. As a result, you find yourself being kind and showing self love.

Mindfulness is a Step Towards Happiness

While working on a deep love for yourself, you have probably decided that you would also like to be happy.

One of the techniques for self love and happiness is to follow and focus on joy. A mindful activity that I learned years ago from the Mindful Life program was an activity called ROSE. This is how it works:

  • R: Recognize the moment when you feel excitement, happiness, joy, satisfaction, contentment, or any other positive feeling.
  • O: Observe everything about it. Where are you? What are the colors around you? What is the situation and why is it bringing you happiness.
  • S: Soak it in. Allow the feelings to wash over you. Soak in all the sights, sounds, feelings, and feel it in your body from head to toe.
  • E: Engrave that moment into your mind purposefully. Make a memory, a good and full memory that you can hold onto. Feel yourself engraving this moment into your heart and mind.

Now how can this not help but make you happier?

Conclusion:

In conclusion, mindfulness is a powerful tool that can positively impact your well-being on multiple levels. As you continue on your journey of self love, consider incorporating a mindfulness practice into your daily or weekly routine. 

Remember, it’s all about connecting with yourself, getting to know your mind, and following joy.

Dr. Autumn Thomas

✨✨By starting a self love journey, you are making a powerful statement to yourself and others. Begin by purchasing our program: Techniques for Self Love and Acceptance.✨✨

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Self Love Versus Narcissism

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Self Love Versus Narcissism

Many people wonder: If you are investing in self love are you a narcissist? 

Let’s think about self love versus narcissism and what is the difference.

What is Narcissism?

Psychology Today Defines Narcissism as “characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.”

Does that describe you? 

Both a narcissist and a non-narcissist would say “No.”

However, a narcissist is fueled by an underlying motivation to avoid shame. When they feel any amount of shame for anything they have done, they will do ANYTHING to place the blame on others. 

Due to this, self love could be very stressful for a narcissist because self love means you have to own your actions and life. Consequently, you are taking responsibility for yourself.

Generally, a narcissist is only motivated by manipulating others. They would look into self love work as a way to boost their image.

What is Self Love?

Self love is a chance to get to know all the different layers of you. It is an exercise in continual healing. 

Simultaneously, it is you building a relationship with yourself. You are getting to know and love your mind, your heart, and your soul. Just like all relationships, it grows and changes with time. A self love relationship cannot be ignored or neglected, it needs to be cultivated so it can grow.

Self love is guided by your needs and you follow your intuition to where you feel called. It’s about you AND your connection with others.

Narcissists are Welcome Here

This might sound contradictory, but if a narcissist moves towards self love, it can be a good thing.

A narcissist getting to know their layers, healing their inner child, or working through how to communicate with love, can only help the world. 

In many cases, narcissists developed their personality traits as a response to trauma. If they are confused about how the world is responding to them, working on a deep love of self can be healing.

This doesn’t mean that you need to feel sorry for a narcissist, or allow them to manipulate you. The work of self love involves understanding your boundaries and asserting them against any narcissistic abuse.

You Have to Decide

Along this journey you have to decide if your motivations are selfish. If you are finding that you feel isolated and alone on this self-love path, then maybe you need to work on communicating with self love. 

If you are surrounded by toxic people, this was a choice you made before moving into a space of working on loving yourself. It could be time to take stock. I do not recommend you clear out all your friends, but those who support this path you are on will be obvious. Surround yourself with that support and be sure to support others, too.

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A Boundary Manifesto

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A Boundary Manifesto

A-Boundary-ManifestoDownload
The above manifesto helps you to make a loving boundary plan. This will support you as you start to communicate your boundaries and adjust. 

Remember that you deserve to be able to say no to others, but that this can feel uncomfortable as you start doing this. If you are uncomfortable with setting boundaries, ease your way into it and make sure that you add that to your manifesto. Consequently, you will be easier on yourself when you set a boundary.

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Communicating Your Boundaries

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Two women talking over a table.

Communicating Your Boundaries

To start communicating your boundaries, remember that these boundaries come from the love for yourself. They are not selfish or mean.

In fact, setting them tells another person that you have faith in their ability to handle the particular situation that is coming up. It is a mutual expression of love for them, and love for yourself.

Okay, But How?

First, one way to set a boundary is to acknowledge how the other person is feeling while still communicating your decision to set the boundary.

Dr.s Henry Cloud & John Townsend state that, “Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.”

You first start by just saying no to the request. Here is a link to a lot of different ways to say no.

Some of my favorite ways to say no are, “It’s not a good idea for me,” “Not at this time,” “I’m not comfortable with that,” “I’m here for you, but I really can’t do what you are asking for.”

Or be straight up with others and say something like, “This decision doesn’t align with my values, so I have to say no. I hope you can understand.” 

There are many ways to communicate, overall, and your self love journey needs to involve you finding the most comfortable way for you to advocate for yourself.

People pushing a van

What if They Keep Pushing?

If someone keeps pushing their requests on to you, start by acknowledging their feelings.

Say something like, “I understand that you are frustrated that I can’t do _____?”

“I get you want me to _____, and you’re upset, but I can be here for you in other ways.”

Also, using an I-Statement when you set the boundary can help you be clear with your expectation.

Repeat the Boundary and Stay Consistent

You will have to repeat your boundary to others consistently for them to really understand that you are serious. 

People will need some time to rearrange their thinking about you. Because of this, you will need to keep nurturing and loving yourself while holding your ground. In the end, it is not always easy to keep firm with your boundaries, but it is best for you and others.

Conclusion

Try these strategies out as you move forward with boundaries. If you are feeling unsure, write out some boundary statements for some situations that you anticipate coming up soon. This way you can practice and be ready if you are nervous while talking to someone.

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